Apparently I nurse you too much. Is that possible? I can’t help it. I love it. It’s really the only time I feel like I know what the fuck I am doing. But according to our venerated sleep consultant 6 times a day at 10 months old is too much. I must cut out two feedings. Oy vey. But which two? The problem is I have been bookending your naps with nursing. Well, I don’t see it as a problem, but I guess some people do. Some being people who obviously know more than me about this stuff. At first Brandi and I were discussing your finicky eating habits and in lieu of a strategy first decided we would cut out the upon awakening nap. That seemed reasonable enough to me. Made sense that it might make you more enthusiastic about getting the food in your mouth instead of on the floor. I was into it and then suddenly we were talking about getting rid of the pre-nap feed and how hard it might be and that I should not let you cry longer than an hour and if I did to start it half an hour early and at that point things got hazy. She started to sound like the teacher in Charlie Brown. Wha-wha-wha-wha. I tried to make sense of what happened but only ended up saying okay and hanging up. In a daze your Dad tried to ask me what she said. I got flustered and defensive, I couldn’t tell him with any amount of clarity what had just happened. So I called her back. Did you really mean get rid of the before nap nursing? Are you sure about this? She was sure. I hung up again. My body felt tingly. A mild panic began to set in. I love that time with you. I don’t want to give it up!! It’s the only time I get to snuggle your little rambunctious independent ass. I want to hold onto that for as long as I can!! Five hours later I called Brandi back. Stuttering I asked her again, why are we getting rid of the before nap feed? I felt tears welling up behind my eyes. In true Brandi fashion, rapid fire speech, she said that it didn’t matter which feed I gave up, I just needed to give one of them up. And if I was still putting her down for her nap drowsy but awake and if she was still putting herself to sleep for naps like she was at night, I could keep that feed and get rid of the other one. Eureka!! I wanted to shout. You got it, is what I said instead. Phew. I could keep my precious pre-nap feed at least for two more months…

When you finally woke up from your second nap, which was a marathon one today, 2 hours P!! I thought I would give it a shot- the NOT nursing you upon awakening. And let me tell you something, it sounds MUCH easier than it really is. You wanted my boob. You really did. And I kept trying to distract you with leaves, and sand, and Cupcake the gay alligator, or Jesus the Latino Puppy, or even Scout the androgynous computer thing you love so much. NOTHING worked. And the whining…and the staring…and the grabbing…I couldn’t do it. Not today. Tomorrow…is another day.

If it were up to me, I would nurse you on demand until you were old enough to pay your own bills but that ain’t gonna happen for a lot of reasons. Number one being we want to have another baby. That’s right. We are that crazy. Go big or go home, right? I hear it’s harder to get pregnant while nursing all day and all night. That is where Brandi’s expertise comes in. She is a Godsend, really. I can’t ever thank her enough for saving our minds and our hearts. Our family is better of because of her help. So I am trusting her with this. By one year the goal is to be nursing you twice a day, before bed and when you wake up. And I know now how hard that is going to be- at least for a day or two.

We’ll see.

My little Outsider. Ponygirl..

I love you, you little rebel.

Mom