Oh hon, you lost your first tooth tonight. You pulled it out, more than lost it, which surprised me. You do that. You continue to surprise and delight me. Jumping up and down, yelling and smiling. It was as if a new world had opened up and you were finally, finally walking through it. It meant so much to you, this tooth. The first one. Your best friends had already lost theirs and I know how much you hate missing out. FOMO. We got it. You and I. Pretty bad. Fear Of Missing Out. I am sorry you have it too. It feels more like a curse some days than a blessing. It is what it is, I suppose.
I was away for five days in Sedona, and your tooth waited for me. Thank you for that. I was honoring the life of a woman that meant so much to me. Who had seen me, loved me unconditionally, made me feel heard, wanted, important. She passed away last weekend. Rhea Philo. My best friend since childhood’s mother. A chosen mother for me. I went there, without you, to show up. To be present. To be of service. And I was. For the first time in my life, I felt truly selfless. It was a gift to be able to show up for Jessica in that way. I wasn’t able to make her wedding or Tom’s service when he passed twenty years ago. I was too “in my cups” but now, now, with the help of your wonderful father, I was able to do something so healing for myself and Jessica.
I came home today and before bed tonight, you ripped that wiggly tooth right out. So brave you are.
I felt astonished at your bravery and also a little sad because it feels like we are turning a corner and there is no going back. Your first tooth! Your FIRST tooth. Of many. Your smile is forever changed. Gone is the toddler. Here comes the kid.
It’s like that as a parent. The joy living side by side with the grief. Gaining and losing all in one day, in one moment. I want to hold on to you forever, the five-year-old almost six-year-old. I want to stop time. You still give me koala bear hugs. You still need me.
In the car on the way home from your Dad’s (who lives half a mile away) I asked you if you had fun with him while I was gone ( I knew you did, I just wanted to ask) and you answered, “I didn’t miss you at all! I didn’t even remember you!!”
And I smiled, bittersweetly, because this means you are ready to spend more time away from me. More time with your Dad. Which is a good thing. And at the same time, breaks my heart a little. Because I never wanted to share you with anyone. But at least I get to share you with someone who loves you as fiercely as I do.
We love you sweet pea.
To all the teeth you’ll lose!!
You are my forever girl.