Fluidity not Rigidity

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Ponylicious,

I balked at routines when I first had you.  Not because they didn’t totally make sense on every level but because I think I was so overwhelmed with the youness of you that it was extremely difficult to focus on anything else.  It’s like these photos I took of you the first day you were breastfeeding.  I thought that you looked so sweet and adorable so I posted them on facebook.  It wasn’t until Papa called and asked me if I really thought it was okay to have pictures of my nipples on facebook that it dawned on me there was even a nipple in those shots.  But lo and behold, when I looked at them again there it was, my national geographic nipple staring right at me but I couldn’t see it before because all I saw was your beautiful little face.  I promptly removed the photos, fyi.  And now I can see the absolute necessity for routine.  Actually, employing a very flexible yet somewhat consistent one has kind of changed our life with you today.

And what I have learned most about our routine, is how important it is to know when to NOT follow it.  This is where true instinctive parenting comes in.  And it is working beautifully. You are such a calmer happier baby and we are more confident parents.

For example, this morning only an hour after you got up, you yawned big twice in a row- that was when we knew it was a call to action.  I swooped you into my arms and because my toast was burning, of course, I had to quickly lay you in your bassinet and rush out to turn off the toaster with every intention of returning and helping you soothe to sleep- but when I got back and peaked in on you, you were laying there totally content and peaceful just looking around and cooing to yourself.  So I let you be.  Eventually you fell asleep. I think because now you know you get a consistent morning nap and you actually seem to look forward to it, if that is possible.  It makes me feel really good knowing that I am giving you what you need.  And now there has been  no more crying fits to endure.  I’m sure those might come back at some point, but really, you were too little for that right now.  My heart couldn’t stand it.

Your Papa and I were just laughing right now remembering the days before You when we used to smirk at our friends with babies who would say things like- You can come by at 11 but you have to leave by 11:45 because it’s her nap time.  We were like, “What the fuck, that is so ridiculous, who wants to live like that? We will never be like that when we have a baby.”

Guess what?  We are like that.  We would go to any lengths, even possibly risking some jail time, to protect your precious naps.  Funny how a tiny little thing weighing less than 10 pounds can do that to you and your life.

So there you have it.  You are six weeks old today and it feels like such a milestone.  Your smile is gigantic when you see us.  I can’t believe it.  It makes me go ape shit inside.

Our good friend Leigh was telling me about a conversation she had with a friend of two little darling ones.  She said that by the 2nd it was all improvisation and laughter.  All might be an exaggeration I injected, however, I can see what she means.  I miss that brevity.  It’s coming back though.  I swear.

I was afraid I had lost my sense of humor on the birthing table along with all those strange fluids but nope, I think I still got it.  It just comes and goes, kind of like a gopher in a hole.

You get to meet your Godmother soon. She just returned from spending 3 weeks with her family in a Villa in Tuscany for the Summer.  She’s from England originally and one of the funniest smartest most beautiful women I know.  I think we picked a good one for you.  

Your Godfather is pretty awesome as well. His name is Dustin and he’s a famous music composer person.  He’s incredibly talented and just might teach you the piano one day, if we are lucky.

Okay.

I am done for today.

I’m gonna go peak on you one more time.  I love watching you sleep.

Mom

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Pony P.

Driving down the road the other day and thinking about all the errands I really did need to run but had no chance in hell of doing because it would mean taking you in and out of the car seat a zillion times and manipulating you into the Sleepy Wrap over and over again until your head started spinning around and you vomited green sludge- I couldn’t believe how I took my former life for granted.  In fact, it’s hard to even fathom what that life was like somedays it feels so very far away.  And it’s not that I miss it or yearn for it in any way, it’s just so far removed from any semblance of reality today that it feels like a different world and I have a hard time even remembering it in detail.  I  guess sleep deprivation can do that to you.

That and force you to write crazy run on sentences that are redundant and confusing, i.e. read paragraph above.

Sleep.
Our culture is obsessed with it, at least when it comes to babies.  That is the million dollar question these days- how is she sleeping?
And if you hear of someone who seems to of unlocked the secret code you glob onto them for dear life.
At least I have.  But what’s really fucked about the whole thing is that everyone’s secret code is DIFFERENT!
Yes.
What works for one family with one kind of baby could totally not work for another.  It’s a crap shoot.  And I hate Vegas.  Always have.  I’m no gambler.  I want so badly for someone to take me aside and say, hey, this is what you do for sure without a doubt every time and this is the result you will get.  Like proofs or theorems or whatever they were called in Geometry.  I preferred Algebra.  It made more sense.

So- we are ‘discovering’ what works for us.  And it’s a bumpy road.  Better keep our seat belts on.

We are the perfect parents for you Pony, and you are the perfect child for us.  Over and over again in my head to soothe myself.

Because that is the gift I really want to give you, the ability to self- soothe.  Take it from a self soothing neophyte.  You will want it and need it or you just might end up using ‘bad things’ to do it for you and by the looks of the long road your Papa and I have traveled to get here today, we hope we can help you avoid some of the pitfalls along the way that you might be genetically facing.  Another ridiculous sentence, but I don’t care.  I’m too tired.

Tonight was brutal.  You were so over tired it hurt me to watch you fight it and I knew as parents it was our responsibility to help you get you to sleep.  So we did.  But it wasn’t easy.  And I held you along the way.  And I sat outside and meditated along the way too.  And the funniest thing was that while you were working it out inside outside I was listening to our neighbor’s toddler working it out too.  I guess this is pretty universal.

If for any reason you ever need therapy Pony, we’ll pay for it.

This new world is so new, brilliant, and intense with you.  It’s non-stop, 24 hours a day, filled with dramatic exhausting peaks and valleys.  It has obliterated my life before it.  The days when I did whatever I wanted and the nights I played it by ear.  It’s funny to me that there was a time when your Papa and I would stay up late tickling each other’s legs, watching documentaries, and talking in real voices.

But I wouldn’t change this wonderful wacky world with you for anything.

You make it all worth it.  You and your father.

I totally won the lottery with this deal.  No doubt.

love love love,

Mom

Addendum:

After publishing this you started squeaking and squawking so your Dad and I crawled on our stomaches and elbows trench war fare style into the room kitty corner from your bassinet below your line of vision. We watched you soothe yourself for about 1o minutes before you fell back asleep.  It looked like you have finally discovered your own hands and possibly a thumb.  You are genius.  We are so proud of you. We backed out slowly.  Leaving you to your dreams.