Kindergarten

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Pony Girl,

It is your first day of Kindergarten and you are still sleeping sweetly in our bed. I sat at the side and watched you slumber, memorizing the contours of your tiny face as it changes before my eyes every day. You are becoming quite the little lady. I love when we have our heart-to-hearts with me on the couch and you lounging in the pink chair, one arm over the back and a leg thrown over the side. Like the CEO of some hipster tech company. We talk about relationships and legos, mostly. Your BFF, Maisy, is a doll. I overheard you two talking in the bath the other night and I was stopped in my tracks. Maisy was telling you about how boys play differently and how she handles that at school and you were listening and adding why it is hard for you to play with Eamonn sometimes. I realized in that moment that you and Maisy had a real friendship that was more than just being kids together but that you had these deep conversations about life!

What a trip!

 

I am so incredibly proud of who you are. As a friend of mine said when she met you, “She is adorable and has such a big personality!”  You do! I thought you were shy at one point, but not anymore, you are cautious, for sure, but once you feel safe, you let your freak flag fly high and I love that about you!

You don’t have a crush on any boys yet, and for that, I am grateful. I don’t see you as being a boy-crazy kind of girl. But you are very aware of social dynamics and like me, suffer from FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) and that could cause you some pain down the line.

I know today is a big day and you have been nervous about it for some time. I love the way you employ some of the stress resiliency tools I have taught you; butterfly hugs, big breath, tracking sensations in the body. These tools will help you if you practice them and I will always remind you.

I have to wake you up soon and start getting us ready for this big day.

I have many mixed emotions. I am super excited you will be walking distance from the house now. I am sad that I can’t homeschool you and keep you with me all day. I am melancholy about the hours missed while you were in preschool. And I am sad that we didn’t get to go camping this summer.

But we will, camp, that is. It was a rough Summer with Sean and his motorcycle accident. But you have been a trooper with me, going over there and spending way more time than you were used to. I think you like Eamonn, in a funny brotherly kind of way. I know he loves you. They both do. And Daddy and Mommy too.

You are so loved, little P.

Today is a big day.

And we will be right beside you and just steps away.

Big love,

mom

Tooth Fairy

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Oh hon, you lost your first tooth tonight. You pulled it out, more than lost it, which surprised me. You do that. You continue to surprise and delight me. Jumping up and down, yelling and smiling. It was as if a new world had opened up and you were finally, finally walking through it. It meant so much to you, this tooth. The first one. Your best friends had already lost theirs and I know how much you hate missing out. FOMO. We got it. You and I. Pretty bad. Fear Of Missing Out. I am sorry you have it too. It feels more like a curse some days than a blessing. It is what it is, I suppose.

I was away for five days in Sedona, and your tooth waited for me. Thank you for that. I was honoring the life of a woman that meant so much to me. Who had seen me, loved me unconditionally, made me feel heard, wanted, important. She passed away last weekend. Rhea Philo. My best friend since childhood’s mother. A chosen mother for me. I went there, without you, to show up. To be present. To be of service. And I was. For the first time in my life, I felt truly selfless. It was a gift to be able to show up for Jessica in that way. I wasn’t able to make her wedding or Tom’s service when he passed twenty years ago. I was too “in my cups” but now, now, with the help of your wonderful father, I was able to do something so healing for myself and Jessica.

I came home today and before bed tonight, you ripped that wiggly tooth right out. So brave you are.

I felt astonished at your bravery and also a little sad because it feels like we are turning a corner and there is no going back. Your first tooth! Your FIRST tooth. Of many. Your smile is forever changed. Gone is the toddler. Here comes the kid.

It’s like that as a parent. The joy living side by side with the grief. Gaining and losing all in one day, in one moment. I want to hold on to you forever, the five-year-old almost six-year-old. I want to stop time. You still give me koala bear hugs. You still need me.

In the car on the way home from your Dad’s (who lives half a mile away) I asked you if you had fun with him while I was gone ( I knew you did, I just wanted to ask) and you answered, “I didn’t miss you at all! I didn’t even remember you!!”

And I smiled, bittersweetly, because this means you are ready to spend more time away from me. More time with your Dad. Which is a good thing. And at the same time, breaks my heart a little. Because I never wanted to share you with anyone. But at least I get to share you with someone who loves you as fiercely as I do.

We love you sweet pea.

To all the teeth you’ll lose!!

You are my forever girl.

Love,

Mom