The video monitor is holding me hostage. P-TV is always on and I am a junkie. I need help. Never far from me, I checked the monitor before going to bed last night and there you were, staring right back at me, or past me, it’s hard to tell on the video. Regardless, your eyes were open and continued to be so for the next 3 hours!! It drove me crazy, literally. I think I lost my mind a little. Cortisol was coursing through my veins as I wracked my brains trying to figure out what was “wrong.” You sat up and cried out once, twice, three times and I bolted down there armed with Advil convinced it was extreme teething even though you were calm as a cucumber in a chilled fridge. I gave you the Advil then of course, just had to nurse you for a bit. As I sat with you in the chair I realized what I was doing. Taking some GIANT steps backwards, nay, leaps. I had to abort my mission. I laid you back down. After another 45 minutes of quietly looking around you fell back asleep. And why do I know this? Not because you were making barely any noise at all- save the three tiny little cries out- but because I was neurotically checking the damned monitor, over and over and over and over and over again. Your poor papa next to me. He was trying to sleep. I was not making it easy for him. I wanted to cry I was so frustrated, with myself. I had lost control.

My instincts are extreme. I believe this has something to do with the “peculiar mental twist” of my recovered yet alcoholic in perpetuity brain. The instinct to want to “soothe” and “calm” my child are perfectly natural and God-given I believe. Mine, however, are just amplified to an unmanageable degree. They cause my body to start moving in your direction before I can stop it. Making me fear if I will ever be able to become the firm but loving mother I so desperately want to be. How will I ever be able to let you make your own mistakes, experiencing failure so you can ultimately experience massive amounts of undulating success? How do I let go, just a little, of this preciousness that is strangling me?

I don’t want to smother you. I really honestly don’t.

Think it’s time to turn off the video monitor and let you be.

Time to cut the visual voyeur cord.

I trust you. I love you.

Mom

Apparently I nurse you too much. Is that possible? I can’t help it. I love it. It’s really the only time I feel like I know what the fuck I am doing. But according to our venerated sleep consultant 6 times a day at 10 months old is too much. I must cut out two feedings. Oy vey. But which two? The problem is I have been bookending your naps with nursing. Well, I don’t see it as a problem, but I guess some people do. Some being people who obviously know more than me about this stuff. At first Brandi and I were discussing your finicky eating habits and in lieu of a strategy first decided we would cut out the upon awakening nap. That seemed reasonable enough to me. Made sense that it might make you more enthusiastic about getting the food in your mouth instead of on the floor. I was into it and then suddenly we were talking about getting rid of the pre-nap feed and how hard it might be and that I should not let you cry longer than an hour and if I did to start it half an hour early and at that point things got hazy. She started to sound like the teacher in Charlie Brown. Wha-wha-wha-wha. I tried to make sense of what happened but only ended up saying okay and hanging up. In a daze your Dad tried to ask me what she said. I got flustered and defensive, I couldn’t tell him with any amount of clarity what had just happened. So I called her back. Did you really mean get rid of the before nap nursing? Are you sure about this? She was sure. I hung up again. My body felt tingly. A mild panic began to set in. I love that time with you. I don’t want to give it up!! It’s the only time I get to snuggle your little rambunctious independent ass. I want to hold onto that for as long as I can!! Five hours later I called Brandi back. Stuttering I asked her again, why are we getting rid of the before nap feed? I felt tears welling up behind my eyes. In true Brandi fashion, rapid fire speech, she said that it didn’t matter which feed I gave up, I just needed to give one of them up. And if I was still putting her down for her nap drowsy but awake and if she was still putting herself to sleep for naps like she was at night, I could keep that feed and get rid of the other one. Eureka!! I wanted to shout. You got it, is what I said instead. Phew. I could keep my precious pre-nap feed at least for two more months…

When you finally woke up from your second nap, which was a marathon one today, 2 hours P!! I thought I would give it a shot- the NOT nursing you upon awakening. And let me tell you something, it sounds MUCH easier than it really is. You wanted my boob. You really did. And I kept trying to distract you with leaves, and sand, and Cupcake the gay alligator, or Jesus the Latino Puppy, or even Scout the androgynous computer thing you love so much. NOTHING worked. And the whining…and the staring…and the grabbing…I couldn’t do it. Not today. Tomorrow…is another day.

If it were up to me, I would nurse you on demand until you were old enough to pay your own bills but that ain’t gonna happen for a lot of reasons. Number one being we want to have another baby. That’s right. We are that crazy. Go big or go home, right? I hear it’s harder to get pregnant while nursing all day and all night. That is where Brandi’s expertise comes in. She is a Godsend, really. I can’t ever thank her enough for saving our minds and our hearts. Our family is better of because of her help. So I am trusting her with this. By one year the goal is to be nursing you twice a day, before bed and when you wake up. And I know now how hard that is going to be- at least for a day or two.

We’ll see.

My little Outsider. Ponygirl..

I love you, you little rebel.

Mom