You laughed for the first time yesterday while your Papa gave you a giant zzzrrrbbrrt on your belly.

It made me fear death.

And I have never feared death before.  I’ve always prided myself on my fearlessness which now I know was not bravery but ambivalence.

Because I have never loved anything or anyone like I love you and your Dad.  It has made me feel incredibly mortal.

As I rocked you gently in my arms tonight I thought of your little laugh and realized how I never wanted to leave you.  It scared me how much I care about this family.  Because the stakes are so high.  I painfully realized how careless I have been my whole life, with my life.

No wonder I got into so many dangerous situations with people, places, and things.  It wasn’t that I thought I was invincible and nothing truly bad would ever happen to me, I just didn’t care so much if it did.

Well, now I do care.  I care very much.  And it humbles me.

I am so grateful for this precious life that I get to share with you and your Dad.  It really is a gift, every single moment.  Even when you scream in my face and I haven’t a damn clue what you are crying about.

That right there is a whole other sort of fear.

I love you.  This is you in your Bumba in the kitchen yesterday.

And this was a little game I played with your Dad today, it was called, Where is Baby?

I can’t stop smiling looking at this photo because you look so sweet sitting there with your little hands in your lap, like a little school kid waiting for your lesson.

Oh man.

Put a fork in me because I am done.

Love
Mom