My Insanity grows with you

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I tried to go to bed last night at 9:30 with your Dad, who was in the midst of quitting caffeine and losing steam rapidly.

This is what my brain did to me:

It’s early.  Too early to dream feed.  Should I just forget it then?  Or should I wait until 10pm and feed her then?  Maybe I should just forget it all together for tonight?  
Oh shit.  
But consistency.  Consistency is super important.
It is not my strength.  I need to be more consistent.
I’ll feed her at 10pm.
What was that?  Did she just make a sound?  Maybe she’s hungry now?  I don’t want her to wake up too much!  I’m supposed to dream feed her BEFORE she wakes up….oh shit.

I get up and check on you.  You are sleeping soundly.  I go back to bed.

Okay.  Relax.  Take a few deep breaths.  
Why do I have such bad gas tonight?  I hope Tim didn’t’ just hear that.  I’ll keep it under the covers.
It’s 9:45 now.  15 minutes and I’ll feed her.  
Is that a skunk outside or was that me?  Wow.
I hate waking her up.  They say never to wake a sleeping baby.  It’s selfish of me to dream feed her.  I’m only doing it for me.  I shouldn’t do it.  Fuck it.  I’m not doing it.  
What was that?  

I get up and check on you.  You are sleeping soundly.  I go back to bed.

It’s 10pm now.  If I’m gonna feed her I should do it now.  Now.  
Now I am tired.  I want to sleep. I’ll just go to sleep now.

I can’t sleep.  I have phlegm in my throat and I think I have to pee again.
I love Tim so much.  I am so lucky.  I’m gonna stare at him for a minute.  He’s so handsome.  We should try to make Second Baby now.
I wonder what Second Baby will look like…
Are we out of our minds to even be thinking about a second baby so soon?
La Canada is really great.  I had no idea how great.  I think I sounded really racist in my last blog.  I didn’t mean to. I’m just tired of the barrio.  I need to practice more unconditional love for all living things.  
I really should meditate more consistently.
Oh shit.
I better go feed her.

I got out of bed and walked into your room.  Even in the darkness lit by a single amber nightlight I could see your gummy smile goofing up at me and I wanted to remember this shit forever.

I never want to forget the smallness of you.

They were all right about 3 months though.  Each day it becomes more and more clear.  You are a baby now.  A little baby person with a total quirky little sparkling personality slowly emerging like Spring after a hard winter.  A little bud blooms here, then there, then sure enough you’ll be a whole field of flowers.

By the way- suddenly after a rough night of sleep you decided you LOVED tummy time.

Here are the photos to prove it.  Even naked…

First thing in the morning…

I love you.  Mom.

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