My Insanity grows with you

I tried to go to bed last night at 9:30 with your Dad, who was in the midst of quitting caffeine and losing steam rapidly.

This is what my brain did to me:

It’s early. Too early to dream feed. Should I just forget it then? Or should I wait until 10pm and feed her then? Maybe I should just forget it all together for tonight?
Oh shit.
But consistency. Consistency is super important.
It is not my strength. I need to be more consistent.
Okay.
I’ll feed her at 10pm.
What was that? Did she just make a sound? Maybe she’s hungry now? I don’t want her to wake up too much! I’m supposed to dream feed her BEFORE she wakes up….oh shit.

I get up and check on you. You are sleeping soundly. I go back to bed.

Okay. Relax. Take a few deep breaths.
Why do I have such bad gas tonight? I hope Tim didn’t’ just hear that. I’ll keep it under the covers.
It’s 9:45 now. 15 minutes and I’ll feed her.
Is that a skunk outside or was that me? Wow.
I hate waking her up. They say never to wake a sleeping baby. It’s selfish of me to dream feed her. I’m only doing it for me. I shouldn’t do it. Fuck it. I’m not doing it.
What was that?

I get up and check on you. You are sleeping soundly. I go back to bed.

It’s 10pm now. If I’m gonna feed her I should do it now. Now.
Now I am tired. I want to sleep. I’ll just go to sleep now.

I can’t sleep. I have phlegm in my throat and I think I have to pee again.
I love Tim so much. I am so lucky. I’m gonna stare at him for a minute. He’s so handsome. We should try to make Second Baby now.
I wonder what Second Baby will look like…
Are we out of our minds to even be thinking about a second baby so soon?
La Canada is really great. I had no idea how great. I think I sounded really racist in my last blog. I didn’t mean to. I’m just tired of the barrio. I need to practice more unconditional love for all living things.
I really should meditate more consistently.
Consistency.
Oh shit.
I better go feed her.

I got out of bed and walked into your room. Even in the darkness lit by a single amber nightlight I could see your gummy smile goofing up at me and I wanted to remember this shit forever.

I never want to forget the smallness of you.

They were all right about 3 months though. Each day it becomes more and more clear. You are a baby now. A little baby person with a total quirky little sparkling personality slowly emerging like Spring after a hard winter. A little bud blooms here, then there, then sure enough you’ll be a whole field of flowers.

By the way- suddenly after a rough night of sleep you decided you LOVED tummy time.

Here are the photos to prove it. Even naked…