I must be really premenstrual. I started crying while nursing you tonight not because I was sad, but because I love you so damn much. I love your squishy little body. All of your 23 darling pounds. I love your rounded toddler belly and perfect little butt. I love the way you say things, and the things you say. I swear to God that tonight as you were desperately trying to finagle your way down your dinner chair ducking your head uncomfortably between the table and the chair, you said to me, after I asked you What are you doing?, you said “This is happening Mama.”
This is happening.
and I am so fucking grateful to be so present for it.
The magic that you are.
THANK YOU for picking me to be your mother. I know I had very little to do with that. In fact, I am quite certain I would have screwed it all up somehow if you hadn’t made it all so brilliant and perfect for me. He is good. You picked a good one for us. I love your Dad and you more than I know how to say sometimes. It overwhelms me, like tonight.
So I just cry. For a little bit. Then I move on.
Kind of like you do, all through out the day.
The mind and emotions of a two year old are a fascinating roller coaster ride to watch. I know you hate it when I laugh at you but darling, sometimes you are really funny, and confusing as hell. I don’t know why it made you so angry that Dad had his toe in your room tonight. His big toe. It freaked you out. So do little fans, by the way. Don’t like em. Especially in your room at night. But it is 100 degrees out! Finally you relented. But just barely.
I know I let you push me around far too much. But you are so cute when you are bossy that I can’t help it. It’s kind of fun to see what plans you have and why. Like when you tell me to lay back on the couch, it’s booby time. Or to sit with you while you have a snack. Then stand, no sit. So entertaining.
I was really proud of you on our recent trip to Grandma and Grandpa Wally’s cabin in Idaho this past Labor Day weekend. You wore a diaper on the plane and on the 5 hour drive but not once did you pee in it. Instead you peed in airport bathrooms and in truck stop bathrooms! Seriously. Not only that, but once at the cabin you decided you could handle sleeping on the bottom bunk of the bunk beds, with Dad up top, and me on the bed beside you. No crib. First time ever. You did amazing. You loved it. You were so proud too. You slept all night, for three nights, in there. My little monkey. It feels like you are growing up so fast. I had all these plans on the trip of getting you a toddler bed when we got home, of getting rid of the little potty upstairs and only using the big potty downstairs but once the adrenaline of traveling wore off yesterday, I remembered something that really affected me on our journey back. As we were going through security there was a young girl ahead of us with her two parents obviously on her way to college for the very first time. Her father looked like he had everything under control, especially his emotions, but her Mom, obviously did not. And I couldn’t take my eyes off of her as she watched her daughter leave her, walking into a world she no longer could control or manage. And I realized, this big girl grown up shit, potty training and the toddler bed, it can wait. It can wait. I am holding on to your little toddler body for as long as I can.
Especially your little toddler butt.
Sweet dreams little monkey.
I am crazy about you.