I’ve been struggling lately, Pony, with my sense of self, if you will. Meaning, I feel extremely self-conscious, and not in a good way, about almost everything I do and or say. It’s reminding me painfully of my freshman year of high school when I left middle school a bad ass class president but arrived at LBHS confused and desperate. My best friend at the time had ditched me for some older girls and I wasn’t anywhere near cool enough to hang with this new crowd. They had a sense of humor that was beyond mine. I constantly felt left behind. One of my biggest fears. I feel that way now. Like life is leaving me behind. My writing is stagnant and uninspired, my humor non existent, and my style, gone. It was really starting to get me down until I had a couple of revelations this week. It all began when I started reading this book about the science of creativity called Imagine. Apparently an extremely important aspect of creativity is sleep. Sleep is when our brains get to make new synapses and connections. No wonder my writing feels bland, I’m in a sleep deprivation haze. My synapses aren’t firing, they are on hiatus. Okay, I can live with that. That can always change. I will eventually sleep more. Maybe in 18 years, but I will.
And the other thing I realized while on our Earth Day Husom Family walk in The Mount while I was discussing all of this with Dad and you, was that I read an article in the NY Times about how different parenting styles can ruin friendships. It reminded me of my intention to walk the “middle road” as a parent and not be extreme either way, or judgmental and critical. Actually, how to be that way in life, every single aspect of it. And how unsexy that feels, only because it’s so new, and so weird to not be an extremist and condemning all others. It’s the newness that feels boring and bland, because I am not taking sides. I see the benefit of all of it. Bits and pieces. Oh it’s not easy. And it makes me feel simple. But simple is good. I have been far too complicated for way too long and it didn’t do me any good. I am ready to be. Just be. A worker among workers. A mom among moms.
So instead of being confused or frustrated by what I judge as an uninspired dull me, I must now turn and embrace with loving open minded arms and revel in this new simple wonderful life with you, which I cherish every second of, more than you will ever know.
We had brunch on the Queen Mary today with Nama Jill and Uncle Dusty, Aunt Jaime, the cousins, and Uncle Strider. You ate asparagus for the first time and loved it.
This is you gnawing on cucumber with Nama. Look how beautiful you both are!
I love you, little monkey.
Big Monkey Mom