I am so new to this, I apologize, dear Pony, if I don’t always read your signals correctly.

Yesterday was a doozy.  You refused your first nap, that’s never happened before.  I felt deflated and defeated, hence, the previous post.  However, last night you slept 8 HOURS in a row!  Who’s baby did you become?

Maybe you overheard your Papa and I discussing sleep training but honey, although I know this won’t keep up, but if it does, it will certainly strengthen my argument that you are super baby and don’t need any training.

So if you can, do.

Last night some ladies and I were discussing SAFETY and where it comes from and I realized, my idea that if I move us to a “safe” place, like La Canada, does not guarantee safety by any means.  In fact, as a dear friend pointed out, growing up in a “safe” place like Laguna Beach only made me want to rebel and get the hell out of there as fast as my little 18 year old legs could take me. I didn’t get very far, I think Los Angeles is less than 50 miles away, but it was far enough for me.

Safe isn’t something outside of me, it has to be inside and reside with God.  Rely or just believe?  I have to choose rely or else I am in big trouble emotionally.

I didn’t realize either until last night that the horrible morbid picture show I was living in for the first three months of your life is a symptom of postpartum whatever.  It might not be depression, but it’s a version thereof.  Phew.  That really made me feel a lot less dark and messed up, I’ll tell you that.  I was really worried there for a minute.  I never told anyone just how worried I was about my mental health, but it was a little scary.  I feel much better since you turned 3 months and even better now knowing, once again, my thoughts are not things and they are not me.  They just are.

I think you are teething.  I’m not sure.  But whenever you chew on a hard teething toy you kind of freak out.  You start crying and I can’t figure out why.  But if you only chew on fabric and the soft squishy squares, you are alright…hmmm… don’t give you hard teething toys?  Could that be the answer?  I don’t know.  All I know is when it happened this morning I gave you homeopathic teething gels and solubles and distracted you with rainbows.  In fifteen minutes you were asleep.

Now you rest.

And supposedly I am meant to rest when you do.  Ha.  Who are they kidding?

I have way too many important things to do like window shop on Zulily.

I love you monkey.

xx
mom