I went for a walk today with a new dear friend and we talked about this very thing- decisions.

Why are they so damn hard to make?   At least for me they are.  And you’d think it would only be decisions that really mattered, that had serious life consequences- like changing your entire trajectory- but no, they can be as simple as ‘would you like vanilla or chocolate’ and my heart starts pounding and my head racing exploring in nanoseconds the possible repercussions of each until I land, hesitantly on one.

Vanilla.

Always.

I don’t even like chocolate things except real dark chocolate yet I still sweat a little before I decide.

Decide.  Decisions.

Is it a Pisces thing?  A commitment thing?  A pathological thing?

Fear of….

Making the WRONG decision.

Like that would kill you.  Well, in some cases I guess it could.  But I have read or heard it said by much bigger spiritual giants than I will ever be that there are no WRONG decisions.  Huh.

I certainly can look back on my life and see some serious BAD decisions I have made.  Like…Sorry Pony, I better not write any of those stories here.  Not yet.  Not till you are ole enough to understand.

Suffice to say, as I look back on my life and ponder this, were any of those BAD decisions WRONG.  Because if I hadn’t made all of them, I might not of ended up where I am today, of which everything feels so RIGHT.  And it’s never felt RIGHT before.

So RIGHT vs. WRONG?

If there really is no R vs. W and it’s all just an erroneous judgment, still, I ask, how do you decide what to do?  If it doesn’t really matter which decision you make, if you really are okay no matter what, why decide at all?  Maybe the idea that WE make the decision at all is erroneous.  Maybe we are being lulled into thinking we made the decision when it was something bigger than us all along and then wouldn’t it make more sense to stop the fight the back and forth the angst and the pain and just be led?  But it is so hard to trust when we so badly want to know that everything will be okay in the end.

It’s fear of the big unknown.  And it is a terrifying fear.  It’s not cute or funny at all.

Becoming a new mom I am faced with so many decisions about you Pony.  And it is really really hard for me, because I so want to do it RIGHT.  Whatever that is.  I don’t even know.  And it keeps changing, this RIGHT way of parenting.  Like the article my friend gave me, this yardstick we use to judge ourselves as parents does more to harm us than to help us.

I just want to sit back and enjoy being your Mom Pony and pray that I make GOOD decisions for you, based on the highest good for you, our family, and mankind.  (that mankind part sounded a bit dramatic but I’m keeping it because things in 3’s are more poetic sounding)

I watch other people make decisions with ease, and I envy them.  Maybe someday I will too.  But I really resonate with people who struggle with them, who see both, all, and every side and realize even if there are no WRONG decisions, there certainly are some seriously painful and difficult ones where neither decision feels very good.  And that is life Pony.   You will have to make those someday.  I just hope I can be there for you, as a sounding board, and a friend.  Because sometimes that is all it takes to help you make a decision.  Suddenly the light goes on and you hear in your own words that the decision has already been made.  Now you just need to trust it.

I always want someone to decide for me, like your Dad.  He’s good at making decisions.  But that’s one of the reasons I love him so much and why he’s so good for me.  He lights a little fire under my ass and doesn’t get mad at me when I change my mind…a thousand times.

See, there are times when I can make a decision.  But then I second guess myself and that is when the games begin.  But here is something I think I am realizing as I write this rambling long strange blog, that the first decision, instinctively, that comes up, the one that wants to escape my lips before I’ve had to the time to ‘think’ about it, that is usually, if not always, the best decision for me.  Because it’s a heart thing and not a head thing.

Aha.

Get out of your head Pony, and into your heart.  And you will always know exactly what to do.

I forget.

That is why I write, to remember.

I love you P.

xx
Mom