Hands make the best mobiles.

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Yes, they do.


I really don’t think I am going to win any mothering awards this week.  I am sick.  I hate being sick.  And in my sickness I made the cardinal mom mistake,  I didn’t stop, look, and listen to you when you were telling me something very important and instead went ahead with my own agenda.  I was convinced you wanted to take a bath with me when in fact you were way overtired and overstimulated as it was and you expressed that perfectly.  I ignored you because I wanted to bathe with you so badly and it had gone so well the night before.  But the night before you were napped and happy.  Last night you were not.  Needless to say, after the bath and the fan and the bright lights you were taken over the edge as I tried to get you ready for bed.  It took about 10 minutes holding you in different positions till you calmed down enough to bury your face in my neck and take a breather.  It’s funny, I don’t mind you freaking out if you are in my arms but in another room, I can’t take it.

However, the sweetest thing did occur as a result.  You spent a good 5 minutes afterwards telling me exactly how you felt.  It was by far the longest conversation we have ever had.  You were so clear and concise.  You didn’t mince words, not even once.  I was super impressed with your vocabulary (already) and touched that you would share so much with me, that you trusted me enough now to tell me how you really feel.  I hope I can always be that person for you.  The one you know you can always be yourself with because I will never judge you for having big emotions.  They don’t scare me anymore. I want to be that safe harbor for you.  I didn’t have that.  It’s really important, I think.

How did you get to be so beautiful??  I could stare at you all day, and I do.  I hope it doesn’t weird you out too much.  I’m a little obsessed with the perfectness of you.  Even your poop smells delicious!  Much better than my farts, just ask Dad.

It totally trips me out that you came from me.  I guess that’s why none of your bodily fluids freak me out, because they were created foremost inside of me, so you are a part of me, really.  Whoa.  Twilight zone.  I still can’t wrap my head around it.  All babies are a miracle to me and the best argument for God.

Your Papa and I realized something last night- how we really are the yin and yang of parenting ( I imagine most are) but as I see soothing you to sleep as something immensely gratifying and rewarding he sees you soothing yourself to sleep in exactly the same way.  I imagine this is why you picked us, because if it was left up to me you might never learn independence and if it were left up to him you might never learn dependence as a good thing.  So together, we try to meet in the middle.  Yin yang.  Balance.  Moderation.  The middle road. Too much of a good thing is still too much.

Nama Jill left today, it was really nice having her here.  I miss a village.  We need a village.  Huts and hunting.  I yearn for simpler times.

This was written by Elizabeth Gilbert.  It’s pretty fabulous although after reading it I couldn’t help but feel inadequate compared to her.

Five books? Really?  Humph.  I guess I kind of missed the whole message.  Or maybe it’s because I’ve picked myself up from falling down I’ve made it into an art form of sorts.  I am the first to screw up boldly and badly.  And the first to admit it.

I have never been more proud than I am proud of being your Mom, Pony.

Nothing else in the world, no published book, no starring role could ever compare to what I feel when I look at you.

Big mad divine love,


I forget

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Every time I walk away from writing one of these I think of all the clever witty things I could of said and done.

Which is a lot like my life, actually.

The only times I seem to be quick witted are when I have been drunk out of my mind or feeling extremely passive aggressive.  Then I just come off as bitchy.

Enough about me…


Let’s celebrate.
We found a pediatrician we really like!
His name is Dr. Bursch and he’s with Glendale Pediatrics. He’s the kind of person you’d like to hang out with at a bar-b-que.
I really liked the way he talked to you and told you what he was going to do.  He was gentle and kind and a father himself.  That, I think is super important.  
You are two months old!  I can’t believe it.  Healthy and happy, he said.  You weigh 11 pounds and are 23 inches long.  You are in the 50th percentile, which means that half the babies are taller or shorter and half weight more or less.  You are perfect to me.
Two things did come up though which we have to address right away.  
First of all- you  have a slight flat spot on the right side of your head! I couldn’t believe it and I feel like crying just thinking about it even though Dr. Bursch didn’t think it was such a big deal.  It means that you were sleeping too much on one side of your head.  And when I got home I looked at all the sleeping photos of you and noticed all of them faced the same direction.  Dammit!!  Why doesn’t anyone warn you about this?  I didn’t even think about it.  I knew about the flat thing on the back of the head so I made sure to keep you moving around but I never considered the sides.  Ugh.  Now we are doing neck stretching exercises with you which you hate, of course, and making sure you sleep on the other side.  I really regret not knowing this sooner but your Papa doesn’t think it’s such a big deal either so I am most likely over-reacting…but still…
And secondly- VACCINATIONS.
We didn’t realize that you were meant to get your first round of them at that appointment.  Dr. Bursch must think we are idiots but seriously, I never thought it would come up so soon.  We had planned on doing all the research but thought we had way more time.  We don’t, it seems.  So, we told him we’d talk about it and let him know.  
We talked about it and read about it and it seems that really the smartest way to go is to just go ahead and get them on the regular schedule.  It makes the most sense in the long run.  Although neither options feel that great to me over all.  We have a friend who never vaccinated his twin daughters but they live in the woods in Germany.  Seriously.  This is Los Angeles.  And we live in Highland Park.  It’s no Malibu.
So next week you are getting your first shots. Ugh.  I kind of hate this.
Lastly,  you’ve really started chatting us up like a little person full of thoughts and ideas.  It’s so fun communicating with you. After you eat I lay you face down on my tummy so we can look at each other with your arms folded under your chin.  You give me coy smiles, trilling coos and babbling gurgles while I laugh and cajole with you.  It’s some of my favorite moments with you so far.  That and holding you in my arms or laying facing out on my body while I rock or bounce you to sleep.  Staring into your face while you drift off or feeling the weight of your body against mine is like heaven to me.  I know I’m not ‘supposed’ to soothe you to sleep so much but it feels really good to me.  I don’t know if I care about giving it up ever.  I’ll be trying it when you are 25, I bet.  
And for reals lastly,  this whole routine thing is really working for us!  We have stayed home with Nama Jill (that’s my mom) for the past 3 days,  never going farther than the backyard for a nature walk, getting into quite the rhythm.  You are flourishing!
Let me break it down- this is a general approximation, every day varies a little.
8am- eat, play (watch for signs of drowsiness, anywhere from an hour to an hour and half usually, sometimes two hours)
First Nap- around 9:30. (super easy to put down for this nap, can almost just lay you down and let you look around until you fall asleep, rarely do you cry)  Sleep anywhere from one hour to two.  Eat, play.  
Second Nap- around noon.  (need more soothing for this nap) Sleep one to two hours.  Eat, play.
Third Nap- around 3pm.  (probably have to lay with you and or sleep with you for this one)  Sleep almost one hour.  Eat, play.
Fourth Nap- is kind of a joke.  Around 6pm you will get so sleepy and we put you down but you always wake up in about 15 minutes.  No worries.  We’ve stopped fighting it.  Now we just get you up and play with you until 7 or 7:30 when I feed you again, give you a bath, a small little massage, start singing to you and reading you books, then when you start to yawn around 8 or 8:30 I rock, bounce, sing you to sleep. 
Bedtime- anywhere between 7:30-9pm.  You sleep soundly until 12:30am.  Then again until 5:30am.  
Then it’s morning all over again.  
What is amazing about this routine so far is that it feels very in sync with you and you seem to know what is coming next and to enjoy it.  It requires watching you closely while observing the clock.  Rarely are you fighting sleep like you used to. 
Now I know this could all change in a heartbeat, but I am super grateful for it right now.  Because I caught your Papa’s Summer Cold and it sucks.  Being sick with a baby isn’t fun. But having a Grandma around to make you warm home-made chicken soup isn’t so bad either. 
By the way- my favorite sleep app right now is weissbluth method parenting myths and weissbluth method infant nap app.  
His book is rather too dense but his app keeps it simple.  His approach to sleep feels the most humane to me.  
I just peaked in on you sleeping.  I wish I was sleeping with you right now.
I love you more than you’ll ever know.