Vanessa said it best this morning when we were discussing how I shall never judge another mother for what she feels she needs to do sometimes ever again-
Nessy said, “I was a great parent until I had a child.”
It’s hilarious. All the ideas I had about what kind of parent I would be. Just like all the ideas I had about what kind of birth I would have. Everything flies out the window when faced with what really is and who they really are.
Vanessa and Pony meet for the first time.
Pony, this is your God mother. She gives more than she takes and lights up every room she is in.
What a playgroup
we have gotten ourselves into! We learned baby yoga, baby massage, dyed silk scarves for playing with, and even learned some simple bellydancing moves! But most importantly Pony, I got to watch you watch everything. And you were enthralled. It’s like you become some Zen Buddha Baby the second we walk into Betsy’s house. Even though there were babies crying and women laughing and shaking their hips awkwardly (I should only speak for myself here) you calmly observed and gave me encouraging smiles along the way. Like you knew how silly I felt and were like, come on Mom, lighten up, have some fun! Then after you had some booby milk you passed out on the nanny there to help. You actually slept on her chest for almost an hour! I kept checking you and you were fine. Happy as a clam.
Oh that constant neurotic checking on you thing. It’s doing my head in. But I can’t help it and I can’t stop it. Papa says I am like a gazelle in the wild when they smell a lion nearby.
It happens all day and night.
Just now, for the 3rd time I’ve gone in to make sure you were still breathing and hadn’t choked on your spit-up.
You can guess who dressed you this morning. Papa. He loves this onesie and tries to get it on you at least once a week. He’s so good with you. I feel so lucky. Because Daddy’s are important too. We were talking about this in Playgroup last week actually. How the Dad’s have such a different instinct with you little ones and how it sometimes scares the living crap out of us Mom’s. The choices they’ll make, the situations they’ll put you in, or how aggressively they physically handle you- it’s like they are missing that hyper accident prone awareness we Mom’s have, where every time we look at you guys we scan the room and situation for any and all potential disasters. It takes my breath away sometimes, the shear potentiality of it all, and makes me wish I could still drink or at least take a pill, but I can’t. I can only breathe and repeat things like Nothing Bad is Going to Happen to Her Nothing Bad is Going to Happen to Her Nothing Bad is Going to Happen to Her until that knot subsides, even the tiniest little bit.
My point though is that Dad’s are there for a reason. They fulfill an extremely important purpose that we Mom’s can’t take away from them. It’s a huge lesson in trust and for me, remembering that I married this man for a reason, and because of that reason (massive huge life changing love) we wanted to make a baby, that is YOU Pony, and he is as much a part of this as I am. And what he brings to the table is valid and integrous and true. I have to trust. And I hate doing that. It’s so scary!
You are almost TWO MONTHS old! I can’t believe it. And just this week some amazing things started happening. It’s like you finally realized you had hands and feet and that they were connected to YOUR body. I love watching you grab at the tiny little black bee on your receiving blanket, or stare transfixed at your feet while sitting against our knees with your legs up our chest. I remember when your whole body fit on my legs. Now only your torso does. It’s the most magical beautiful thing. This dance you have with your appendages. And then, the other night as you were hanging out in your new favorite toy, the Baby Bjorn Bouncer (we LOVE this- gift from Grandpa and Grandma Wally) I watched you actually get your thumb into your mouth and start sucking vigorously! I almost screamed EUREKA and stopped the presses. But then you lost it and couldn’t find it again. It took everything I had in my body not to go over there and put the damn thing back in your mouth for you, but then I would rob you of so much. And that is something I never want to do, is take away your delight in learning something new or your pride in figuring something out. It’s excruciating though and another Zen life lesson, this patience thing. Oy vey! It’s like having a huge white head on your face and not being able to pop it. Drives me crazy. But oh so good for me.
So these were my two views this morning as I read a lovely email from our new Mommy Friend Rosa.
This is you passed out on my shoulder after eating.
This is your Dad working hard to bring home the bacon.
I wanted to cry out of the utter sweetness of it all. When you’ve been down some of the long and winding roads I have, this kind of shit really gets you. The simplicity and the love. It’s overwhelming at times.
Lastly- I have recently been introduced to another amazing mom’s fashion family blog- Bluebird
– and it continues to astound me how these women do it. Looking at her life and clothes, I was flabbergasted. Then I saw that she homeschools and makes them apparently the most incredible lunches I have ever seen. How does she do it? I feel so inadequate.
SO I decided to start my own fashion blog, for the Mom like me, who looks like she just might of given up some days but knows in reality she’s still fighting the good fight.
This is my morning look-
I’m wearing Baby, old grey washed out sweats, and a milk stained black tank top with nursing pads lost somewhere inside. Hair took about 8 hours of sleeping/feeding/watching to achieve.