Today at the Silverlake Farmer’s market a beautiful pregnant lady asked Tim and I if we had a baby blog. Why yes, we said. She found it while looking up potential doctors and recognized us from the photos. Wow. What a wonderful serendipitous gift! She made me feel tremendous today. If my experience can benefit others, then my work here is done.
Please feel free to friend me on facebook- Arrowyn Ambrose Husom- or email me anytime at email@example.com if you have any questions or thoughts or whatever. I am honored.
Today was a doozy Pony dear. And you are paying for it right now. You are so tired you can’t stand it. I am so sorry. We went to the Farmer’s Market, like I mentioned above, then we toted you to The Natural History Museum to meet up with your Aunt Jaime, Uncle Dusty, and cousins Asher and Nixon. Little did we know it was not only the opening of the new dinosaur exhibit but the first USC game of the year. There were people everywhere. Inside the museum kids were screaming and running around like wild banshees with no parental supervision. I could barely hear myself think. And that was when I began to panic. I thought it was because I had the RIE teacher’s voice pounding in my head that I must keep a calm stable consistent routine for you Pony or else I was ruining you for life. But in reality, it was me. I have always hated crowds and I was just unconsciously blaming it on you. You were my scapegoat. Why would anyone willingly go to Burning Man? Or Coachella? Or anywhere that requires waiting in lines, parking in giant structures, or battling crowds? I’d rather shoot myself in the foot and go limping through the Sahara desert than choose to spend my afternoon around a bunch of strangers. I told them all it was because of you. Aunt Jaime told me how she took Asher to Disney land when he was 6 weeks old for Vinny’s birthday and he was fine, doesn’t torture small animals or anything. He is only 3 years old, but still. I knew what she meant. Goddamn, if I don’t wish I could bottle up her confidence and calm. I’d drink that down like a fine bottle of single malt scotch. And for the record, I could drink that down rather easily in my day.
I have photos of this day. I will have to add them after Papa sends them to me. It was really fun to see everyone. I wish they lived closer. I have so much to learn.
So my epiphany for the day has been- Drop the labels and swim for the surface. I am so grateful I met this wonderful woman named Betsy. It’s so rare that you meet kindred spirits in this world and she certainly is one. She helped me understand my fascination with RIE. It’s because I have this genetic propensity (my Grandmother is a fundamentalist Mormon) to be attracted to small cult like quirky sects in anything I endeavor so that I can feel special and better than. Eww. Drop the rocks. Drop the labels. I don’t need to be a RIE parent, or Attachment Parent, or anything Parent. I just need to be Pony’s Mom today. That’s it. And here comes the real kicker- in my spiritual program there is a lot of talk about the difference between believing in God (insert own definition here because mine is no old white man) and relying on God. I can talk all day about my ‘belief’ in a higher power but when it comes down to it, am I relying on that power to guide my life? Hmm…. Probably not. I want to control EVERYTHING. Even when it has been repeatedly proven to me irrefutably that whenever I try to control ANYTHING, I fuck it up real bad. And I mean, REAL BAD. It backfires like crazy. Food, for example, when I was desperate to control my weight I tried everything- Atkins, Macro, Raw, Vegan, Vegetarian, Fasting, etc.. and the result was more weight. Only when I finally gave up did my weight normalize. Same with dating. When I gave up, I met your Dad. So maybe if I finally give up trying to control parenting you, I will actually be able to enjoy you like I want to. With my head out of the way and my heart fully open, without all the fear and dogma racing through my veins. That is my goal today. To rely on God in this. Because it always works.
I have so much more to say but am way too tired to say it.
It took only 2 hours to soothe you to sleep tonight. But it was worth it. My favorite part was when you were lying in my arms in the rocking chair and I was able to watch you keep falling asleep, then laughing in your sleep, then waking yourself up, only to fall asleep again.
You are tremendously powerful for such a little person. I adore you more and more.
My other kindred mommy friend wrote this about her son Tor- I have to publish it-
After I put him to bed last night, I was thinking how inexplicable it is to have so much love for one little person. And not only for who he is now, but for all that he decides to become. It makes your heart swell. I’ve decided if I had to give one word to motherhood, it would be “full.” I like it because it doesn’t connote good or bad. My heart being so full–good beyond logic. My head crammed full of should, would and could–leaning a little more towards the not so good. Every waking (and sleeping) moment being dictated by pint sized squawks and sighs–could go either way depending on the moment. There’s no part of my life or self that isn’t full right now, and I think it’s just to keep getting better. So then I started thinking that of course we must have more kids. Then all this love can multiply. Go big or go home, right? Too bad love can’t pay for insurance and college.
This is what friends are for. I feel so lucky to have met such good ones so soon.