Pony P.

Driving down the road the other day and thinking about all the errands I really did need to run but had no chance in hell of doing because it would mean taking you in and out of the car seat a zillion times and manipulating you into the Sleepy Wrap over and over again until your head started spinning around and you vomited green sludge- I couldn’t believe how I took my former life for granted.  In fact, it’s hard to even fathom what that life was like some days it feels so very far away.  And it’s not that I miss it or yearn for it in any way, it’s just so far removed from any semblance of reality today that it feels like a different world and I have a hard time even remembering it in detail.  I  guess sleep deprivation can do that to you.

That and force you to write crazy run-on sentences that are redundant and confusing, i.e. read the paragraph above.

Sleep.
Our culture is obsessed with it, at least when it comes to babies.  That is the million dollar question these days- how is she sleeping?
And if you hear of someone who seems to have unlocked the secret code you glob onto them for dear life.
At least I have.  But what’s really fucked about the whole thing is that everyone’s secret code is DIFFERENT!
Yes.
What works for one family with one kind of baby could totally not work for another.  It’s a crapshoot.  And I hate Vegas.  Always have.  I’m no gambler.  I want so badly for someone to take me aside and say, hey, this is what you do for sure without a doubt every time and this is the result you will get.  Like proofs or theorems or whatever they were called in Geometry.  I preferred Algebra.  It made more sense.

So- we are ‘discovering’ what works for us.  And it’s a bumpy road.  Better keep our seatbelts on.

We are the perfect parents for you Pony, and you are the perfect child for us.  Over and over again in my head to soothe me.

Because that is the gift I really want to give you, the ability to self- soothe.  Take it from a self-soothing neophyte.  You will want it and need it or you just might end up using ‘bad things’ to do it for you and by the looks of the long road your Papa and I have traveled to get here today, we hope we can help you avoid some of the pitfalls along the way that you might be genetically facing.  Another ridiculous sentence, but I don’t care.  I’m too tired.

Tonight was brutal.  You were so overtired it hurt me to watch you fight it and I knew as parents it was our responsibility to help you get you to sleep.  So we did.  But it wasn’t easy.  And I held you along the way.  And I sat outside and meditated along the way too. And the funniest thing was that while you were working it out inside outside I was listening to our neighbor’s toddler working it out too.  I guess this is pretty universal.

If for any reason you ever need therapy Pony, we’ll pay for it.

This new world is so new, brilliant, and intense with you.  It’s non-stop, 24 hours a day, filled with dramatic exhausting peaks and valleys.  It has obliterated my life before it.  The days when I did whatever I wanted and the nights I played it by ear.  It’s funny to me that there was a time when your Papa and I would stay up late tickling each other’s legs, watching documentaries, and talking in real voices.

But I wouldn’t change this wonderful wacky world with you for anything.

You make it all worth it.  You and your father.

I totally won the lottery with this deal.  No doubt.

love love love,

Mom

Addendum:

After publishing this you started squeaking and squawking so your Dad and I crawled on our stomachs and elbows trench warfare style into the room kitty-corner from your bassinet below your line of vision. We watched you soothe yourself for about 1o minutes before you fell back asleep.  It looked like you have finally discovered your own hands and possibly a thumb.  You are genius.  We are so proud of you. We backed out slowly.