Dear Pony,

I am sitting across from you right now watching you sleep in your boppy lounger which has warning signs all over it telling us to not let you sleep in it.  But you love it, and I am here, so if you fall out, nothing bad will happen.  I hope nothing bad will ever happen to you.  It kills me just thinking about it and unfortunately I think about it way too often. But as I have heard, it’s part of a new mother’s mental illness and will soon go away, or not.  Maybe it never goes away.  I can’t imagine you leaving for college being any easier.

I love how you get startled in your sleep and both your arms flail up like you are about to give the world a giant hug and you squeak a little before letting everything drift gently back into place.  Your little baby buddha belly moves up and down in some angelic rhythm.  Your coos and gurgles are like music to my ears.  Apparently, I got more sleep last night and am not so suspicious of you. You slept in your bassinet and did pretty good!  I was impressed!  I tried a new thing as well, I didn’t come at your every coo and grunt.  I forced myself to lay there and just listen to you until I could tell, things were getting much more serious.  And in doing so- you actually seemed okay for much longer than I ever would have allowed you to be on my own.  You are so brave and big now, it’s scary how fast you grow.
Picking you up, there is a strength to you, a durability, that I love.  It makes me want to squish you and smell you and hold you so close it hurts us both. I get so excited I could eat you.

We have also been staying home every day this week, which I think, along with no dairy, has helped you and I find our rhythm a little more.  Although, a funny little habit you have seems to be that if I even attempt to lay down with you, when you nap, you refuse to nap.  Like you have some 6th sense about it and your eyes pop wide open the second my butt hits the bed.  I’ve managed a few winks here or there, but dammit if I wouldn’t love to be sleeping with you this very moment.  I don’t want to chance it though.  You have the most peaceful expression on your face, I couldn’t bear to disturb it.

You cried real tears yesterday.  That was new and incredibly torturous.  I was like- oh for fuck’s sake, really?  Real tears?  How am I supposed to handle these?  Your big eyes welled up and flowed over while your bottom lip quivered inside and it was all I could do not to cry myself.

How did you get so incredibly beautiful? How did it happen?

You love sleeping and breastfeeding with one hand on your face.  We think this was your position of choice in the womb.  It sure seemed like it in the ultrasounds, not that Tim or I had any idea what they were.  Just grey and black blobs, really. And speaking of breastfeeding, the new thing you love to do is bob and weave at the boob until you get it all figured out with a few licks here and there- grunting the whole time until suddenly you open wide and dive in.  I don’t even hold your head anymore, I just let you do your thing with a bemused look on my face.  I find it adorable, primitive, and endearing.  In those moments I can see the animal in us.

4 weeks today.

We should celebrate.  I think we will, by going on our first walk in the stroller.  When it cools down, that is.

Two other things to celebrate today:

1)  We decided it would be best if I don’t return to work until January.  I can’t tell you how happy that has made me.  It makes the nights worth it as I know now I have so many more wonderful days with you.

2) We are turning our carport into a home gym.  I think this will change our lives.

Those are my thoughts for today.

This is you in your Beetlejuice outfit.

 

I love you- more than you’ll ever know.

mom