Hit The Wall

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Last night was the first time I put myself in a ‘time out’ – not that I even necessarily believe that is a useful tool.  But at 4am when I couldn’t find anything to soothe your poor tired self and your gas was making you more agitated then I had ever seen, I walked away, took 3 deep breaths, centered myself, and returned with fresh soft eyes.

It’s been more challenging than ever the last couple of nights.  Your gas has reached new proportions.  You fart and belch like a man.  Which I personally don’t mind, in fact, I find rather entertaining. It’s having to watch you grunt and squirm in such obvious agony when your gas gets you and won’t let go and not being able to do a damn thing about it that hurts me the most.  I know on some level I should just let you work it out, and I do, I watch you and place a comforting hand on your belly while you wiggles, but it makes me cry.

The second lesson in parenting- helpless empathy.

I used to laugh at Moms who said they were still in their pajamas in the afternoon or were so exhausted they couldn’t see straight, thinking to myself,

Why can’t they get it together?   It’s not THAT hard…

That was before this week.

I was in my pj’s until the afternoon.  I feel like I want to cry I’m so tired.  I’ve hit a wall.

I actually thought I would miss the wall, bypass it, fly over it, I don’t know- I erroneously thought I’d passed it by without knowing it was looming in the distance waiting for me to smack headlong into it.  I should have learned long ago- anything I judge about another I experience tenfold.

Another interesting milestone I’ve hit- the grief.  My Mommy friends have explained it as the mourning process we must go through for our old selves to die and the new Mommy us to be born.  It’s totally natural, normal, and necessary.  But none of that makes it easy. Everything must be burned to be recreated.  That means our identities as women and our relationships.  I think the relationship might be the hardest.  It has to change- and what it changes into is so much deeper and more profound.  It’s a beautiful thing.  It’s just scary letting go.

Leap and the net will appear.



luv,  mum.

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