the worm has turned

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Last night was the first time I found myself putting myself in a ‘time out’ – not that I even necessarily believe in that as a useful tool.  But at 4am when I couldn’t find anything to soothe her poor tired self and her gas was making her more agitated then I had ever seen, I walked away, took 3 deep breaths, centered myself, and returned with fresh soft eyes.

It’s been more challenging than ever before the last couple of nights.  Her gas has reached new proportions.  She’s farting and belching like a man now.  Which I personally don’t mind, in fact I find rather entertaining, it’s having to watch her grunt and squirm in such obvious agony when her gas gets her and won’t let go and not being able to do a damn thing about it that hurts me the most.  I know on some level I should just let her work it out, and I do, I watch her and place a comforting hand on her belly while she wiggles, but it makes me cry.

Second lesson in parenting- helpless empathy.

I used to laugh at Mom’s who said they were still in their pajamas in the afternoon or were so exhausted they couldn’t see straight, thinking to myself,

Why can’t they get it together?   It’s not THAT hard…

That was before this week.

I was in my pj’s till the afternoon.  I feel like I want to cry I’m so tired.  I’ve hit the wall.

I actually thought I would miss the wall, bypass it, fly over it, I don’t know- I erroneously thought I’d passed it by without knowing it was looming in the distance waiting for me to smack head long into it.  I should of learned long ago- anything I judge about another I experience ten fold.

Another interesting milestone I’ve hit- the grief.  My other Mommy friends have explained it as the mourning process we must go through for our old selves to die and the new Mommy us to be born.  It’s totally natural, normal, and necessary.  But none of that makes it easy.  Everything must be burned to be recreated.  That means our identities as women and our relationships.  I think the relationship might be the hardest.  It has to change- and what it changes into is so much deeper and more profound.  It’s a beautiful thing.  It’s just scary letting go.

Leap and the net will appear.

1…2…3..

Jump.

luv,  mum.

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