Pony, it hit me the other day that we are less than 90 days away from meeting you in person. We are so excited, we can’t even believe it. Your Papa and I are getting your room ready and I am doing everything I can to prepare myself for the incredible journey bringing you into this world is gonna be, and that is just the beginning! We have so much to share with you and show you and teach you. It’s a wonderful place out here. You will see. It’s full of possibility, magic, and miracles. There are also trials and tribulations, but those can be fun sometimes too- usually in hindsight- and maybe fun isn’t the right word- but with the right perception, nothing can get you down and keep you there.
I have been looking at all these fairy dresses with wings that I want to get for you when you are old enough, assuming you want to wear them. I think secretly I wish I could wear them. I’d choose the deep purple one.
I’m getting super tired in this third trimester. I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open. I went to the OBGYN and she said you were breech. That means that your head is up and your feet are down. No wonder it feels like you do jumping jacks on my bladder! So here is the deal- I need you to turn your little adorable self around so your head is down and your feet are up. Deal? Deal.
I wrote this little free write with my foster kids the other day- I thought you might like it:
I see myself as pregnant with possibility and small, sometimes, with fear. I am unsure of what to do but then sometimes I seem to know exactly what to do, and then I do it, and then I wonder why the hell did I just do that.
Others see me as just pregnant and maybe bigger than I am. I don’t think they see me shrink like a shrinky dink around certain people and certain situations. They don’t see my smallness, my shyness, my desire to hide all by myself alone in a closet, or a car.
The strangest thing has started to happen as well, whenever I speak in front of a group of people, whether it be 6 or 100 people, I begin to burn bright red. Once I start talking I can feel this heat rising in my chest, crawling up my neck, burning the tips of my ears, inflaming my face. My friend Tracy who was sitting next to me when I was speaking once said she thought I had broken out in hives and thought about calling the ambulance. What she didn’t know is that when I finish speaking I can’t stop my body from shaking, either. It’s the most uncomfortable feeling in the world and it never happened before. I used to love speaking in groups. I had a strange compulsion my whole life to do it- whether it was a funeral of someone I barely knew, a meeting for the first time, or some gay rights activist demonstration- long story- I felt compelled to stand up and say something. And I did! And now I can’t open my mouth without breaking out into hives and tremors! I have no idea how I was ever an actress, how I ever stood in front of cameras, and on stage, delivering monologues. It baffles me today. I am sure you feel the adrenaline rush through my body. You must. Just hang in there, Pony. Hang in there with me.
I miss your Papa. Again. He’s working super hard for his family and that means he had to go away to London for a few days. But it’s his last trip, he says, and then we have him all to ourselves!! I know I don’t have to tell you this- but life is just better when he’s around.
I love you Pony. You looked adorable in the ultra-sound today, with your cute little button nose and both arms up by your ears. I don’t know what you are doing in there moving all around, but I do know I love you with all my heart and I always will.