Pony, you are big. Getting bigger everyday and stretching out those limbs in new and fascinating ways. I saw you trying to bust out of my belly the other night, kicking and pushing against it. And today you must be turned the other way because I can feel you jumping on my bladder and it’s not the most pleasant feeling, to be perfectly honest. The internal kicks, way low like that, are the most halting for me. It’s a sensation that is difficult to describe, unless you’ve felt it. Like describing the color azure to a blind person. It’s possible, but difficult.
I am ashamed to admit something but I can’t help it. I hate keeping secrets. I have to tell you. I did it. I broke down and bought some Birkenstocks the other day. I didn’t even try to be fashionable with the fancy silver kind. I bought what looked natural, earthy, and comfortable. And then I put on some Indigo Girls and danced around the house in a loose flowing frock. No- I didn’t do that. But I might as well have. With my short hair Birkenstocks, I am teetering on fashion’s edge. But I don’t care anymore. With you in my belly, all I want is to feel comfortable. It’s hard enough trying to feel comfortable in any clothing. My feet deserve a break. I told one of my oldest bestest punk rock girlfriends who has two little girls and many tattoos about my shoes. She replied, Holy shit, I did the same thing! I swear my girls have turned me into an earth loving hippie. And then I was thinking, maybe those smelly hippies aren’t so bad after all? Maybe they just really love children. This doesn’t mean I am going to quit bathing and douse myself in patchouli, but I am trying to be more open-minded and willing to see things from a different angle.
Your Papa is in Austin, TX right now at the big music festival working hard for us and he told me about an amazing dream he had. He said that you came to him in his dream and told him that you knew he was your daddy and that you two would be together forever. You also giggled every time someone said your name, “Pony.” I love this. It confirmed everything I was intuitively feeling about you two. I know you have a super special bond and I am so honored to be a part of it. I know how special your Dad is and how lucky we both are to have him in our lives. He said that it felt like since you and I spend so much time together and are already bonded in our own magical way that you wanted to make sure he knew you were with him too, even though you weren’t in his belly all day and night, beating up his innards. What I think I took away from this mostly was the tangible sensation that although you aren’t physically with us out in the world yet, your spirit is with us in every moment and that when we talk to you, you are listening, and if we get quiet enough, we can hear you.
I have been singing the one lullaby song I know to you. I apologize in advance for this- I am sure you have guessed that your Momma ain’t no singer- but it’s a little song I picked up in India when I was 12 and sitting in Paramahansa Yoginanda’s Ashram in Ranchi trying to stay awake during dawn meditation.
It goes- Who is in my temple? Who is in my temple? All the doors do open themselves, all the lights do light themselves, all the doors do open themselves, all the lights do light themselves. Darkness like a dark bird, flies away, oh flies away. Darkness like a dark bird, flies away, oh flies away- then you repeat from the beginning. For some reason this song always makes me feel better when I am sad, safe when I am scared, and comforted when I am lonely.
Speaking of songs I was also given a belly music player and was wondering how you felt about Devo?