Oh me oh my.  I’m not quite sure what happened from Monday to Friday but somehow your tiny little raspberry sized self in my now grapefruit sized uterus has made your presence unarguably known to the outside world.  My lower abdomen suddenly began protruding beyond ordinary measures in the middle of last week and in my slightly body-dysmorphic way has forced me to change my style.  I have left the land of skinny jeans and high boots and entered the valley of layers and flats.  Some days I might look like I am still in my PJ’s but I don’t give a shit because it’s North East Los Angeles and I can do whatever the hell I want to.  That’s one of the things I love about North East LA, fashion is as fashion does.  Funny enough though, I just received one of the copious baby-centric emails I’ve subscribed to that says- “Looking good during pregnancy.”  As if there is such a thing.  Although your Papa says pregnant women are the most beautiful women in the world. Can you believe he said that?  How rad is he?  We lucked out, you and I, in the Papa/Husband department.  But I’m sure you already know that because he talks to you every night.

So here we are:

I’m kind of early to be showing as much as I am and I’m not sure why that it is, but maybe I’m just so damn excited about you I want the world to know.  I walk around now with one hand instinctively covering you.  I don’t even notice I’m doing it until I do, then I laugh to myself.  For the girl who wasn’t sure if she was ever going to get pregnant or have a baby, I sure am diving into this head first with gust and fervor.  This might make you laugh once you know me better, I called the birthing class instructor and emailed her last week and finally talked to her yesterday.  She said that not only was I very persistent but I was also too early to take her class, that I had to wait until her April sessions but that she really appreciated my enthusiasm and that if I wanted her to, she’d send me a list of literature I could entertain myself with.  She said most of her clients don’t like a lot of reading but she had a feeling I would.  I get excited about things Squirt, what can I say?  And sometimes I can become a bit myopic in my quest for knowledge but I have a feeling you are going to be the greatest teacher I have ever met.  And I want you to know that I am totally practicing patience for you.  I was working with an Autistic foster kid yesterday and it was so hard, he didn’t want to work with me, he was really negative, and I had to stick with him and keep telling myself, “It’s not personal.  It’s not personal.  Stay Patient.  Just stay with him…”  And I did and suddenly it felt like we broke through and actually started writing a story about Pokeman together.  Unbelievable.  I felt like I won the triple crown.  While walking back to our cars my co-worker Jason told me how great I was doing with this group of kids, that I really kept calm and held it together when the shit would hit the fan (they have a lot of emotional and behavioral problems, these sweet foster kids) and that he really liked Pregnant Arrow.  He said I was changing and he noticed and it was cool.

That made me want to cry because I want to be calm and patient with you.  So badly.  It’s not something I have ever been but I know all my life experiences up until now have been preparing me to meet you and be the best Me that I can be for you.  It’s so weird how that happens- I didn’t even see it coming but it makes so much sense now.  Why I started working with kids and now foster kids especially…it’s like the universe knew exactly the right challenges to give me without me having to try and ‘self-help’ my way into it.  I love it when that happens.

I love you and won’t always be perfect but I will certainly try my best to always be authentic and present with you.

Big big big huge love,

mom